Its fucking hard to live in this world! From the day we are able to remember till the day we struggle among high and low end people...thinking and straining every single day to blend in, to feel acceptance, a small community where we feel happy and comfortable to live in!
Its fucking hard to be raised in a broken family who don't admit it but to keep striving in that deep shit! Trying to hold on a marriage which has no more respect to one another and understandings in a minimal percentage! Its fucking hard to have all the bitter, painful, feeling lost memories in our head; no matter how hard you try to erase them off from our mind!
Its fucking hard to even grow up from a young toddler to a boy to a young teenager to a young adolescent adult! Being a part of a corrupted system and being helpless to put an end to the whole situation! Its fucking hard when your heart beat raises every single time while hearing a huge argument, so loud till you're able to feel every single word spikes through your bones!! Its fucking hard to put a smile and pretend as if nothing happened once we stepped out to the outside world!
Its fucking hard to focus on what we are commanded to do! No matter what happens, we got no choice than to sacrifice and try hard to put the attention and thinking on a parallel lines! Its fucking hard when every single day of the morning, you hear ramblings and cryings off your own family members of the miserable life condition!
Why is it fucking hard to get the hell out from the mess I'm living in?? Why is it fucking hard to decide what I want and what I want to do?? Why is it fucking hard to put an end to all this?? Why are there so many whys but a single solution to all these problems above??
Why is it so painful to have a high hopes on something we fear might not be a solution to us?? Why does the darkness ruling over?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why??
What would be the end of all these shit?? How long more?? Why am I even being so stressed out?? Those who are exposed directly to this should be more stressed out?? Why am I being such a pussy?? Why am I being such a negative, intolerable, unable to endure these pressures?? Why does it got to fall on me?? Why am I being too selfish?? Why am I only focused on my own comfort zone?? Why can't I do something about this??
Why am I feeling so disappointed? I feel like a disappointment throughout the whole practice session... I need to shake it off and focus and work on the positive side to move on. But in the end, after the practice session, all I'm exposed again are the same old fucking problem!!
Why do I even have the urges to satisfy my lust? Am I being like those addicts? Why am I unable to find a solution or some sort of alternative to fix myself?? Why aren't I surrendering myself to the Divine Power?? Why have I lost my devotion to THEM? Is it because I'm expecting for a result in a split second? Am I being unreasonable? Am I complaining my life's condition by not striving hard to overcome the troubles?
Its a fucking hard mess I'm living right now!!!
Feeling fucked up!!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The big 21st
Hmmm...looks like after so many weeks and months saying Im still 20 and ain't reached the big number yet...
well, guess its finally here! Im 21 officially!!!
Thanks to my beloved parents; dad and mom for bringing such a "brat" like me into this world and keep torturing you guys by asking and thinking plus viewing things in a very very different perspective almost all the time compared to you all.
Wait!! What is this?? A condemning article??? Hahahahahahaha...I openly told my mom and my sisters today that I dont have the soul nor any excitement to celebrate or to be very happy on this day. Of course I would always wanna have a peaceful, usual kinda day to go on...with less stress, no unnecessary conflicts and avoid getting stuck in the road traffic...surprises??? Yes!! Something I would always wish to happen...but hey, as I said...its just another day...
For those who are happy for me and showering me with such sweet wishes and blessings, thank you so much and really appreciating it. In particular, those who called right on time to wish me...hahahahaha...XD
Appreciate it guys^^
well, guess its finally here! Im 21 officially!!!
Thanks to my beloved parents; dad and mom for bringing such a "brat" like me into this world and keep torturing you guys by asking and thinking plus viewing things in a very very different perspective almost all the time compared to you all.
Wait!! What is this?? A condemning article??? Hahahahahahaha...I openly told my mom and my sisters today that I dont have the soul nor any excitement to celebrate or to be very happy on this day. Of course I would always wanna have a peaceful, usual kinda day to go on...with less stress, no unnecessary conflicts and avoid getting stuck in the road traffic...surprises??? Yes!! Something I would always wish to happen...but hey, as I said...its just another day...
For those who are happy for me and showering me with such sweet wishes and blessings, thank you so much and really appreciating it. In particular, those who called right on time to wish me...hahahahaha...XD
Appreciate it guys^^
Sunday, July 7, 2013
2343 hours
A birthday celebration dinner out at a Chinese restaurant at SS3, thought it would be mellow and usual makan (eat) and with some topics to talk; turns out to be an emotional advising and confronting one's own mistakes he has done in the past. Fuhhh...emotional giler!!
During a tensed situation, we all would always hope for a solution or someone to intervene in between to get us out from there...but based on my experiences, I completely feel its unnecessary. Why would I need someone else when I can solve something and face it on my own? Isn't that how I was "custom-ed" for all these years???
Whats gone is always gone tho...Once you have missed all the moments you could had when we were kids has already gone forever. Maybe its not your own entire mistake. You have been busy earning and saving for our future and to ensure there's food to eat. But...a mistake is still a mistake in my eyes. That doesn't require any certification nor qualification to grant you the permission to commit a mistake.
I was filled with so many thoughts and comments during and after we all left the restaurant...but now...haiz...
I just feel like forgetting everything because what I know is that, today's topic was entirely meant for someone else, not to me. As a parent, you may have certain expectations but never to think you know us deeply enough to understand what we're thinking. Im not sure about my sisters...but certainly not me!
I love you all so much as I decided to bring my secret down with me to my grave if that's gonna give you happiness till your last breath guys~
Hope everything ends well in the end... <3 p="">
During a tensed situation, we all would always hope for a solution or someone to intervene in between to get us out from there...but based on my experiences, I completely feel its unnecessary. Why would I need someone else when I can solve something and face it on my own? Isn't that how I was "custom-ed" for all these years???
Whats gone is always gone tho...Once you have missed all the moments you could had when we were kids has already gone forever. Maybe its not your own entire mistake. You have been busy earning and saving for our future and to ensure there's food to eat. But...a mistake is still a mistake in my eyes. That doesn't require any certification nor qualification to grant you the permission to commit a mistake.
I was filled with so many thoughts and comments during and after we all left the restaurant...but now...haiz...
I just feel like forgetting everything because what I know is that, today's topic was entirely meant for someone else, not to me. As a parent, you may have certain expectations but never to think you know us deeply enough to understand what we're thinking. Im not sure about my sisters...but certainly not me!
I love you all so much as I decided to bring my secret down with me to my grave if that's gonna give you happiness till your last breath guys~
Hope everything ends well in the end... <3 p="">
25th Birthday
Its Sunday, my eldest sister's birthday. She turned 25 years old. Next in line will be me. Somehow I dont feel any excitement to celebrate nor to plan anything special on such dates. Funny when I remember back those friends who I thought miserable enough not to celebrate their own birthdays which only falls on that one special, fixed date every year. According to them, its a total waste of time and asks me in return whats so special to celebrate it?? Perhaps they went through some rough moments in their life back then. I always stayed positive no matter what happens but life kept teaching me one after another miserable, rough, bumpy journey throughout the years, the spirit seems to just fade off with no excitement nor optimism is it; not anymore. I got to honest, shouldn't I? I cannot afford going on with my life, pretending to be something which I'm not at all from the inside. But that one ultimate cost which makes me loss nothing much besides my own selfishness thoughts and stands...for the sake of my beloved ones; my family. I love them so much that I dont want them to be sad... pretending to be happy aint gonna make my day bad...hahahaha...
Anyways, happy birthday big sis. Hope things works on well in your life... prayers for you^^
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)