I have no clue on where my life is heading right now. I dropped off from my bachelor program due to "uncertainties" event happened in my family or am I using this as an excuse not to blame myself from falling off in my studies? I'm not sure which part of me being truthful and honest anymore. Many things are just being said and done to comply with another action and consequences.
One thing for sure, I'm procrastinating in everything. I am the reason why I am what I am at the moment. I can't find the reason for me to do anything without a stronger reason. I'm in constant search of reasons and factors to drive me ahead. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let it be as how it is and do what I want to do! Maybe I shouldn't think too long before doing anything. But it may be a rash decision, I cant afford to lose anything at anytime. This is not who I am, what I was build for.
My old projects are still in hold. I have gave my words but have not done it...what am I doing? Why am I letting myself down by allowing others to have the misconception about myself? Why?
Anyone reading this post? Am I having some sort of disorder??
Help...~
Friday, April 11, 2014
Friday, November 1, 2013
My best friend
I had a friend, whom I once thought I would never have any in my life.
Someone that came into my life in a twisted circumstances and had my heart swift away with his talented figure of speech and a quite peculiar attitude. His dominant attitude, his egoistic behavior, his humble genuine thoughts, of all the things we have shared and talked for hours without really bothering the headaches and sleepy eyes the next day for "hanging" on the phone the whole night through.
He was the many first reasons in my life. My first friend who would call and refuse me to call him instead and talk for hours; he was the first one whom I actually got into a verbal conflict even before meeting up and got so close after the first meeting even though I met and get to know his partner first; he was my first gay friend; he was my first friend that I promised myself to be there no matter how shitty he treats me; and he was my first true gay love.
He was the first who takes in charge of things in his life most of the time. Even though he makes the lousiest decisions in it. He doesn't gives a damn of what others say but he still asks for their opinion. He never really bothers on how the day went for others but would be so bright talking about his for hours. He never feels shy to shed his tears and show his weak points cause he's a genuine person. And he was never truly recognized the true friend that was there for him all the time but to treat him like a piece of turd!
When it comes to taking care of emotions and feelings, his and only his comes in the picture, or that's just the way it is being portrayed. Making shallow comparison with his situation and seeing how "fortunate" others are without even having the ability to analyse how bad it would/could be for someone else are his major successful failure gift. All he needed most of the time is for someone to be all ears for what he tells.
One of the moment that I would never forget being with him was the walk we took around the Bangsar Heights road. The small walk around the neighborhood, discussing on how silly we both became friends together and the moment when I fetched him up from his college and took him to Midvalley and had our last long chats in TGIF. Also the moment when we both sat at the playground, he was eating the dinner I bought for him. I will never forget the first time when he attempted to give me a hug, after knowing how much I live getting one...hahahahaha...XD
The dogs were barking and it was after our meet up from KLCC. We bought some items back home and one of it was his favorite cupcakes. All the plastic bags were at the back seat and it was mixed up. I sorted out the "mixed" up bags and he asked me to get down from my seat and sort it off well, saying he couldn't find one of his bag. I got off from my driver seat and went to the back seat door, where he was standing and scanned if his plastic bag item was still there, on the seat with my bags. I got my head out, shut the door, told him, "That's it. You're holding everything that belongs to you."
"Come here", he said while taking me into his arms and gave me a quick hug. Thanks to the neighbor dog which was barking out loud, making it more awkward and gawky for both of us. Though it was a quick one, I felt his chest, my head held by his left arm towards him...wishing for another moment of such again... :( The sweet part about him is he's not the hugging type of person and he made it clear to me once. As a reply, I just told him how great it is to get hugs from someone special and the aura is brings into my soul.
Remembering that fact, he gave me one and also telling, "If you want more, you better clean shave those thorny beard of yours." "Like I'm take your words seriously. Its my beard and my face, I don't orders my friend", I told him. But guess what happened?? Of course I took it seriously and shaved it clean so it wouldn't be sharp and poke his smooth, pale yellow-skinned face.
Till this very moment, I'm restoring all the sweet moments I shared with him for almost a year. I took him as my real close friend. I took him as my close brother. I took him as my adviser and listened to everything that he says. I respected him so much...I got hurt so much from him too. The heartache that I carried intensively for a month plus...still am, losing my sleep at this hour at 2.45am thinking about him ever since I had a dream about him yesterday evening. I don't know what the dream is trying to tell me...I have heard some say if we dream of someone, that person is thinking about us. Is it really true?? Is he thinking about me? Will he make any effort in contacting me again?? Tell me he's sorry and he wants to mend all his misdeeds??
I can only wish... but a dream that you wish, will come true...~
P.S. I love you, my friend~
Someone that came into my life in a twisted circumstances and had my heart swift away with his talented figure of speech and a quite peculiar attitude. His dominant attitude, his egoistic behavior, his humble genuine thoughts, of all the things we have shared and talked for hours without really bothering the headaches and sleepy eyes the next day for "hanging" on the phone the whole night through.
He was the many first reasons in my life. My first friend who would call and refuse me to call him instead and talk for hours; he was the first one whom I actually got into a verbal conflict even before meeting up and got so close after the first meeting even though I met and get to know his partner first; he was my first gay friend; he was my first friend that I promised myself to be there no matter how shitty he treats me; and he was my first true gay love.
He was the first who takes in charge of things in his life most of the time. Even though he makes the lousiest decisions in it. He doesn't gives a damn of what others say but he still asks for their opinion. He never really bothers on how the day went for others but would be so bright talking about his for hours. He never feels shy to shed his tears and show his weak points cause he's a genuine person. And he was never truly recognized the true friend that was there for him all the time but to treat him like a piece of turd!
When it comes to taking care of emotions and feelings, his and only his comes in the picture, or that's just the way it is being portrayed. Making shallow comparison with his situation and seeing how "fortunate" others are without even having the ability to analyse how bad it would/could be for someone else are his major successful failure gift. All he needed most of the time is for someone to be all ears for what he tells.
One of the moment that I would never forget being with him was the walk we took around the Bangsar Heights road. The small walk around the neighborhood, discussing on how silly we both became friends together and the moment when I fetched him up from his college and took him to Midvalley and had our last long chats in TGIF. Also the moment when we both sat at the playground, he was eating the dinner I bought for him. I will never forget the first time when he attempted to give me a hug, after knowing how much I live getting one...hahahahaha...XD
The dogs were barking and it was after our meet up from KLCC. We bought some items back home and one of it was his favorite cupcakes. All the plastic bags were at the back seat and it was mixed up. I sorted out the "mixed" up bags and he asked me to get down from my seat and sort it off well, saying he couldn't find one of his bag. I got off from my driver seat and went to the back seat door, where he was standing and scanned if his plastic bag item was still there, on the seat with my bags. I got my head out, shut the door, told him, "That's it. You're holding everything that belongs to you."
"Come here", he said while taking me into his arms and gave me a quick hug. Thanks to the neighbor dog which was barking out loud, making it more awkward and gawky for both of us. Though it was a quick one, I felt his chest, my head held by his left arm towards him...wishing for another moment of such again... :( The sweet part about him is he's not the hugging type of person and he made it clear to me once. As a reply, I just told him how great it is to get hugs from someone special and the aura is brings into my soul.
Remembering that fact, he gave me one and also telling, "If you want more, you better clean shave those thorny beard of yours." "Like I'm take your words seriously. Its my beard and my face, I don't orders my friend", I told him. But guess what happened?? Of course I took it seriously and shaved it clean so it wouldn't be sharp and poke his smooth, pale yellow-skinned face.
Till this very moment, I'm restoring all the sweet moments I shared with him for almost a year. I took him as my real close friend. I took him as my close brother. I took him as my adviser and listened to everything that he says. I respected him so much...I got hurt so much from him too. The heartache that I carried intensively for a month plus...still am, losing my sleep at this hour at 2.45am thinking about him ever since I had a dream about him yesterday evening. I don't know what the dream is trying to tell me...I have heard some say if we dream of someone, that person is thinking about us. Is it really true?? Is he thinking about me? Will he make any effort in contacting me again?? Tell me he's sorry and he wants to mend all his misdeeds??
I can only wish... but a dream that you wish, will come true...~
P.S. I love you, my friend~
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
7.45am 7/8/13
Dad is on the verge of creating troubles with him unreasonable fear and worries.
Day by day, each and every morning he's actions and choice of words are becoming very bad and sick!
All these years, we have kept a secret from him, knowing how aggressively and senselessly he would react towards the matter. Moreover, he played a huge role of being a strict, short-tempered person ever since I could ever started to remember. How would he possibly expect someone to share nor to tell him anything that requires discussions?
Prayers has never reduced day by day. All now keeping our fingers crossed to hope for a better him and a better happy family~
Day by day, each and every morning he's actions and choice of words are becoming very bad and sick!
All these years, we have kept a secret from him, knowing how aggressively and senselessly he would react towards the matter. Moreover, he played a huge role of being a strict, short-tempered person ever since I could ever started to remember. How would he possibly expect someone to share nor to tell him anything that requires discussions?
Prayers has never reduced day by day. All now keeping our fingers crossed to hope for a better him and a better happy family~
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Its fucking hard!!
Its fucking hard to live in this world! From the day we are able to remember till the day we struggle among high and low end people...thinking and straining every single day to blend in, to feel acceptance, a small community where we feel happy and comfortable to live in!
Its fucking hard to be raised in a broken family who don't admit it but to keep striving in that deep shit! Trying to hold on a marriage which has no more respect to one another and understandings in a minimal percentage! Its fucking hard to have all the bitter, painful, feeling lost memories in our head; no matter how hard you try to erase them off from our mind!
Its fucking hard to even grow up from a young toddler to a boy to a young teenager to a young adolescent adult! Being a part of a corrupted system and being helpless to put an end to the whole situation! Its fucking hard when your heart beat raises every single time while hearing a huge argument, so loud till you're able to feel every single word spikes through your bones!! Its fucking hard to put a smile and pretend as if nothing happened once we stepped out to the outside world!
Its fucking hard to focus on what we are commanded to do! No matter what happens, we got no choice than to sacrifice and try hard to put the attention and thinking on a parallel lines! Its fucking hard when every single day of the morning, you hear ramblings and cryings off your own family members of the miserable life condition!
Why is it fucking hard to get the hell out from the mess I'm living in?? Why is it fucking hard to decide what I want and what I want to do?? Why is it fucking hard to put an end to all this?? Why are there so many whys but a single solution to all these problems above??
Why is it so painful to have a high hopes on something we fear might not be a solution to us?? Why does the darkness ruling over?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why??
What would be the end of all these shit?? How long more?? Why am I even being so stressed out?? Those who are exposed directly to this should be more stressed out?? Why am I being such a pussy?? Why am I being such a negative, intolerable, unable to endure these pressures?? Why does it got to fall on me?? Why am I being too selfish?? Why am I only focused on my own comfort zone?? Why can't I do something about this??
Why am I feeling so disappointed? I feel like a disappointment throughout the whole practice session... I need to shake it off and focus and work on the positive side to move on. But in the end, after the practice session, all I'm exposed again are the same old fucking problem!!
Why do I even have the urges to satisfy my lust? Am I being like those addicts? Why am I unable to find a solution or some sort of alternative to fix myself?? Why aren't I surrendering myself to the Divine Power?? Why have I lost my devotion to THEM? Is it because I'm expecting for a result in a split second? Am I being unreasonable? Am I complaining my life's condition by not striving hard to overcome the troubles?
Its a fucking hard mess I'm living right now!!!
Feeling fucked up!!
Its fucking hard to be raised in a broken family who don't admit it but to keep striving in that deep shit! Trying to hold on a marriage which has no more respect to one another and understandings in a minimal percentage! Its fucking hard to have all the bitter, painful, feeling lost memories in our head; no matter how hard you try to erase them off from our mind!
Its fucking hard to even grow up from a young toddler to a boy to a young teenager to a young adolescent adult! Being a part of a corrupted system and being helpless to put an end to the whole situation! Its fucking hard when your heart beat raises every single time while hearing a huge argument, so loud till you're able to feel every single word spikes through your bones!! Its fucking hard to put a smile and pretend as if nothing happened once we stepped out to the outside world!
Its fucking hard to focus on what we are commanded to do! No matter what happens, we got no choice than to sacrifice and try hard to put the attention and thinking on a parallel lines! Its fucking hard when every single day of the morning, you hear ramblings and cryings off your own family members of the miserable life condition!
Why is it fucking hard to get the hell out from the mess I'm living in?? Why is it fucking hard to decide what I want and what I want to do?? Why is it fucking hard to put an end to all this?? Why are there so many whys but a single solution to all these problems above??
Why is it so painful to have a high hopes on something we fear might not be a solution to us?? Why does the darkness ruling over?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why??
What would be the end of all these shit?? How long more?? Why am I even being so stressed out?? Those who are exposed directly to this should be more stressed out?? Why am I being such a pussy?? Why am I being such a negative, intolerable, unable to endure these pressures?? Why does it got to fall on me?? Why am I being too selfish?? Why am I only focused on my own comfort zone?? Why can't I do something about this??
Why am I feeling so disappointed? I feel like a disappointment throughout the whole practice session... I need to shake it off and focus and work on the positive side to move on. But in the end, after the practice session, all I'm exposed again are the same old fucking problem!!
Why do I even have the urges to satisfy my lust? Am I being like those addicts? Why am I unable to find a solution or some sort of alternative to fix myself?? Why aren't I surrendering myself to the Divine Power?? Why have I lost my devotion to THEM? Is it because I'm expecting for a result in a split second? Am I being unreasonable? Am I complaining my life's condition by not striving hard to overcome the troubles?
Its a fucking hard mess I'm living right now!!!
Feeling fucked up!!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The big 21st
Hmmm...looks like after so many weeks and months saying Im still 20 and ain't reached the big number yet...
well, guess its finally here! Im 21 officially!!!
Thanks to my beloved parents; dad and mom for bringing such a "brat" like me into this world and keep torturing you guys by asking and thinking plus viewing things in a very very different perspective almost all the time compared to you all.
Wait!! What is this?? A condemning article??? Hahahahahahaha...I openly told my mom and my sisters today that I dont have the soul nor any excitement to celebrate or to be very happy on this day. Of course I would always wanna have a peaceful, usual kinda day to go on...with less stress, no unnecessary conflicts and avoid getting stuck in the road traffic...surprises??? Yes!! Something I would always wish to happen...but hey, as I said...its just another day...
For those who are happy for me and showering me with such sweet wishes and blessings, thank you so much and really appreciating it. In particular, those who called right on time to wish me...hahahahaha...XD
Appreciate it guys^^
well, guess its finally here! Im 21 officially!!!
Thanks to my beloved parents; dad and mom for bringing such a "brat" like me into this world and keep torturing you guys by asking and thinking plus viewing things in a very very different perspective almost all the time compared to you all.
Wait!! What is this?? A condemning article??? Hahahahahahaha...I openly told my mom and my sisters today that I dont have the soul nor any excitement to celebrate or to be very happy on this day. Of course I would always wanna have a peaceful, usual kinda day to go on...with less stress, no unnecessary conflicts and avoid getting stuck in the road traffic...surprises??? Yes!! Something I would always wish to happen...but hey, as I said...its just another day...
For those who are happy for me and showering me with such sweet wishes and blessings, thank you so much and really appreciating it. In particular, those who called right on time to wish me...hahahahaha...XD
Appreciate it guys^^
Sunday, July 7, 2013
2343 hours
A birthday celebration dinner out at a Chinese restaurant at SS3, thought it would be mellow and usual makan (eat) and with some topics to talk; turns out to be an emotional advising and confronting one's own mistakes he has done in the past. Fuhhh...emotional giler!!
During a tensed situation, we all would always hope for a solution or someone to intervene in between to get us out from there...but based on my experiences, I completely feel its unnecessary. Why would I need someone else when I can solve something and face it on my own? Isn't that how I was "custom-ed" for all these years???
Whats gone is always gone tho...Once you have missed all the moments you could had when we were kids has already gone forever. Maybe its not your own entire mistake. You have been busy earning and saving for our future and to ensure there's food to eat. But...a mistake is still a mistake in my eyes. That doesn't require any certification nor qualification to grant you the permission to commit a mistake.
I was filled with so many thoughts and comments during and after we all left the restaurant...but now...haiz...
I just feel like forgetting everything because what I know is that, today's topic was entirely meant for someone else, not to me. As a parent, you may have certain expectations but never to think you know us deeply enough to understand what we're thinking. Im not sure about my sisters...but certainly not me!
I love you all so much as I decided to bring my secret down with me to my grave if that's gonna give you happiness till your last breath guys~
Hope everything ends well in the end... <3 p="">
During a tensed situation, we all would always hope for a solution or someone to intervene in between to get us out from there...but based on my experiences, I completely feel its unnecessary. Why would I need someone else when I can solve something and face it on my own? Isn't that how I was "custom-ed" for all these years???
Whats gone is always gone tho...Once you have missed all the moments you could had when we were kids has already gone forever. Maybe its not your own entire mistake. You have been busy earning and saving for our future and to ensure there's food to eat. But...a mistake is still a mistake in my eyes. That doesn't require any certification nor qualification to grant you the permission to commit a mistake.
I was filled with so many thoughts and comments during and after we all left the restaurant...but now...haiz...
I just feel like forgetting everything because what I know is that, today's topic was entirely meant for someone else, not to me. As a parent, you may have certain expectations but never to think you know us deeply enough to understand what we're thinking. Im not sure about my sisters...but certainly not me!
I love you all so much as I decided to bring my secret down with me to my grave if that's gonna give you happiness till your last breath guys~
Hope everything ends well in the end... <3 p="">
25th Birthday
Its Sunday, my eldest sister's birthday. She turned 25 years old. Next in line will be me. Somehow I dont feel any excitement to celebrate nor to plan anything special on such dates. Funny when I remember back those friends who I thought miserable enough not to celebrate their own birthdays which only falls on that one special, fixed date every year. According to them, its a total waste of time and asks me in return whats so special to celebrate it?? Perhaps they went through some rough moments in their life back then. I always stayed positive no matter what happens but life kept teaching me one after another miserable, rough, bumpy journey throughout the years, the spirit seems to just fade off with no excitement nor optimism is it; not anymore. I got to honest, shouldn't I? I cannot afford going on with my life, pretending to be something which I'm not at all from the inside. But that one ultimate cost which makes me loss nothing much besides my own selfishness thoughts and stands...for the sake of my beloved ones; my family. I love them so much that I dont want them to be sad... pretending to be happy aint gonna make my day bad...hahahaha...
Anyways, happy birthday big sis. Hope things works on well in your life... prayers for you^^
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