25th Birthday

Its Sunday, my eldest sister's birthday. She turned 25 years old. Next in line will be me. Somehow I dont feel any excitement to celebrate nor to plan anything special on such dates. Funny when I remember back those friends who I thought miserable enough not to celebrate their own birthdays which only falls on that one special, fixed date every year. According to them, its a total waste of time and asks me in return whats so special to celebrate it?? Perhaps they went through some rough moments in their life back then. I always stayed positive no matter what happens but life kept teaching me one after another miserable, rough, bumpy journey throughout the years, the spirit seems to just fade off with no excitement nor optimism is it; not anymore. I got to honest, shouldn't I? I cannot afford going on with my life,  pretending to be something which I'm not at all from the inside. But that one ultimate cost which makes me loss nothing much besides my own selfishness thoughts and stands...for the sake of my beloved ones; my family. I love them so much that I dont want them to be sad... pretending to be happy aint gonna make my day bad...hahahaha...

Anyways, happy birthday big sis. Hope things works on well in your life... prayers for you^^

Thoughts...

There was a time when all I went through in my life felt so alone and stranded in an isolated island. From the way I started to see things to the way I feel each emotions deep in my heart. Is there someone who thinks the same way I put my thoughts in? Or am I being exceptionally being "unique" to be judged?

There was a time when I realized it was all because of the voice in my head. To act and react in different situations and different occasions. The voice that kept telling me and controlling me every actions and reactions for me to make. BUT little it did explained to me that it was all fine and its a common way to respond. This might due to the lack of my father's guidance to overcome all these "obstacles" in life as a growing child, a growing teenager and a growing young adult.

But think it this way, my dad had never been nurtured when he was young. His childhood stories are way much pathetic and sad compared to mine. I don't think mine would be even be equivalent to be compared. His parents never took cared of him. His mom left him to her husband and went to her cousin's house for shelter due to her husband himself, whom being torturous and abusive towards him own wife. Funny and scary to think how the old generations lived their life.

From my dad's mom's point of view a.k.a. my paternal granny, she went through a very harsh marriage with her husband and her mother-in-law. What she did could be justified too...so my dad became the victim. From young, he grew up from his relative's houses. Uncles and aunts...but all kinda used him and made him to carry out the house chores as if he was a maid. Right after school, he got to work at the farm and does the  daily farming, milking and feeding the cows and fowls.

From where he would get the time and energy to revise his studies at night? All my dad would had wished to have a good night sleep and continue the routine everyday. Until he grew as a young teenager and started to stand on his own foot. Did some part time jobs which paid him well, and lived his teenage life with other bachelors. From the guidance of his friends, he then learnt some of other life crucial knowledge and skills to better himself. Might have learnt the roads to the city, the way to negotiate and be wise in an outside world...etc.

My dad is a man everyone could look up to for his current status and achievements, all the hardworks and struggles; all by himself without any proper guidance from his old people nor trustworthy friends. So, at times in an argument with my dad, when I express what I think to him and blame for his lack of guidance to me, to some certain situations, he could and does, at times, explains my "problems" are just minor and could be worst if I went through what he gone through his life.

To compare and to be compared would be the last thing I would ever expect. I don't do that and for those who does that, most of the time, they wouldn't understand and would have looked through other's situations completely and thoroughly before saying their piece of mind. Maybe some out there don't but most of the people I've met does that. I wouldn't understand how smart these people could be all of a sudden to advice and to judge before looking back their own rights and wrongs.

I will not tolerate with my dad whenever he throws out what he thinks or thought it was whenever I discuss a matter with him. Your childhood experience was a torturous and turbulent black history, but that doesn't gives you to expect your children to grow by themselves. Maybe I'm too dumb to adapt to the outside world...is not "designed" to live through a harsh life...hahahaha...XD Not quite true cause you gave us the "easy" life since young... not much of an easy life when there are some traumatic incidence when I was young. But ain't touching that subject...

So...yeah...there are so many thoughts just rambles and trembles and crumbles and mingles in my head. Just a part of it...I ain't blaming anyone in particular. Everyone make mistakes, whether you are the man of the house nor the queen. Adults, teenagers, uncles and aunties...everyone make mistakes. Through mistakes, we learn new new things and makes us a better person in our lives. Wishing a very warm Happy Father's Day to my dad and thanking for all you've provided for me until this very moment. Love you, dad ^^

I dunno what I feel...~

Feeling to post up something which I'm enduring almost everyday in my life rather than posting something which I'm afraid on saying it out loud. Don't get any wild thought here, read thru the entire post...XD
I know I have just stepped into the primary level of being a young adolescent, but it doesn't on what we decide for our life, right? Cause sooner or later, we are the only one going to walk the path all by our own. We came to this world with a lot of unknown welcomes, even those from far related will give their blessings as they held us when we were an infant, but when the time comes which no one could never decide for their own, we have to walk that journey all with nothing but ourselves, alone...left with no one at our sides. But in the meantime, whatever happens in between our lives, could be decided, could be arranged, could be even discussed and compromised together for a better, healthy and happy living life. Not focusing on physical strength and fitness, but mental and emotional stability which makes us be able to understand, to honor, to know what are being said and expected, to reply in a certain manner to make the others to accept the point and facts being raised up and many more are the basics in life, the basic skills human first need to succeed in for a good relationship. And yes, the topic for today is again on couples before and after marriage where some even assumes it as his or her suicide attempt in their life. That's not true. There are a lot of great couples we can look upon to our idols in our lives, which could be passed on to our children and the cycle goes on and on. How about to those who witnessed the violence happened between their parents at home when they were young? If we were to point out and blame someone for this matter, it is not really gonna help us much in finding the solution for it. What I do wish it for parents to understand and respect each other and besides, accepts their children's decisions for what they wish to do with their future life, of course after talking it through with each other about it. Wouldn't it be nice if we know for certain what we want in our lives and what's gonna happen in future...???? hmmm...I wish...~

Perspective

Had a rough moments with mom and sisters today. Having exams plus these tensed up air at home is quite a lot to put up with. Things are just not going as I wish it would be, of course if every single wish comes true there wont be any problems in the world, right? The world would not be as beautiful as it is if there ain't differences in everything. Different races, ethnics, languages, cultures, way of life are unique as it is and besides it will be indeed a much fascinating place when people learn to see things differently. One can never predict whats gonna happen in the next hour, can never know who we gonna bump into, can never know if we might be ringed with some gratifying news or the other way round. There's always a small quote my mom used to tell me when I was young, " Life is too short, so make it sweet", indeed it is. One of my friend's lecturer met his maker on new year's eve; a college boy of mine, mere 18 yeas old died  on the spot in a motor accident. Things ain't always the way we expect it to be, and yes it feels very frustrating to walk through those rough paths, thorny obstacles and (too much of metaphor) :P  and fill in the blank...^^ "But there will be a point,  at that very point you got to lead your life alone in the darkness. Without no shoulders to lay on, without a hand to raise us up, without any words to console our soul and without someone to hold back the tears...all are afraid of darkness, when its pitch black but it was never as dark when we shut down our eyes, and we still go through it daily...brace up people...there's nothing we cant do to cross the rough waves!" Accepting differences among each other is the most vital key to be successful in life. We can't change a porridge back to a perfectly cooked rice, but instead we could add on some additional flavorings to make it taste better!

Some old memories

Well, we have successfully made thru another year...2011 long gone hours ago...and welcome 2012!
A lot of people would be listing down some new resolutions to be achieved throughout this new year, some may just keep it in their mind, and some doesn't even care about it at all! Life is all about having fun, meeting new people, making friends with them, throwing parties all over(not a common thingy in here), working hard to achieve something and many more...But nothing comes complete without a perfect strong bonded family ties. You see, different people have different way of expressing their loves to their loved ones. I have a friend who said, it's not a big deal being apart from his parents since its not something new in his country( he's from German). Personal thought, you would feel the emptiness at a point of time when it comes. Before its too late, why not we hold on tight with the bond made ever since we were young? You ain't gonna loose anything, will ya! By the way, New Year has gone quite dull here as for I'm having my 5th semester's final examination going on through out until the middle of the month. You would not believe if I tell all of you how i spent the whole night, by sleeping like an "arss" for not snoozing a single second the day earlier, preparing for my first paper on New Year's Eve! It's a different kinda experience though, things should be a little different than it usually is right, so it can be more spiced up more unusually... :P
Speaking on emptiness earlier, I chat with an old tuition friend of mine, who's currently majoring in medicine in Russia. It was such a happy moments where we were talking about those days with the whole tuition gang, it was havoc! That's the only word I can describe about all of them. If not mistaken, there will be 70 or 80 in total of us, and all's mind are as craziest as everyone. Especially History lesson, though HISTORY should be in a much boooring tone, but this was way much different. The class will never end without a single laugh out of the silly jokes the tutor makes. Epic moment of all time..Gosh, I miss those days, all the friend of mine, the innocent of me, the charismatic in me to study super hard to be much compatible among the others. Oh yar, I remember there was once during Teacher's Day celebration, I sang a song in front of the whole class. Kinda embarrassing, but it was soooooo cool! Not that I'm not singing at all now, I did a few performances as special invite guest for charity events held in my college, The Star Scholarship Ceremony held in a hotel and a few more...^^ Great talents are always found when you're young.
Conclusion, try not to miss any single sec of your life experiences as the time passed will never gonna come back again. Only if life is like the movie, 17 Again. Enjoy yourselves guys, take care of yourselves.   

Dream

I had a dream yesterday, unusual among the rest of the dreams i had before this. Something which cherished me until now its still harbor in my mind deeply and resolutely. It was something like I have gone back to my school time, doing Form 6, met up with a number of my old friends...



At one point I was talking to a friend of mine and at the bottom, I could see a person walking pass the corridor, staring at me with a smile. I ignored and continue communicating with the person infront of me, just can't remember who the person in my real life was. My eyes were keep on catching onto the person, who clearly showing distracted face for me not looking. Its just not a normal dream, it made me happy and now, Im wishing it to become true...^^

Drops of Pearls...

For its cold tear drops from the pitch grayish-black sky, accompanied by the thunderous lightning strikes as sharp as the tip of needles on the ground, so called its the glory of the Almighty Creator. Twisted thoughts of minds and souls, with curled up heart-breaking topics, solves by just standing under, fully immersing with it, with both hands open wide... face looking above, softness of mother natures' swifts away all the sorrows in my heart.
Its like a beautiful ryhme, playing gently as the evening breeze, my way of getting rejoice back again... How would I put these happiness into verbal? It will always remains in my heart forever and ever immortal as my spirits getting free after my final days... I love all out there who gave me all the positive and noble values in me, who gave full support and motivate when neccesary, who gave the warmth and love which hard to purchase...
This is a special dedication to all people out there, Me being a normal human-being with feelings untold and unspoken, its the best time when it RAINS...